Imagine
a world without humour. We would do without puns and
playful teasing and doing silly things. We would
do without the comedians and humorists who help us see
and laugh at our lives and our common weaknesses. Without
humour, we risk losing our ability to forgive ourselves
for doing foolish and self-defeating things, like cheating
on our diet. And we risk trying too hard to overwhelm
others with our logic versus their logic. We would have
less happiness and joy and fun because these qualities
overlap so much with humour.
With
humour we cope well by seeing ourselves in perspective.
We lighten up each day by exaggerating and understating
our situation. We discover we are not alone, and we
learn to accept our mistakes, and sometimes we help ourselves
and others with gentle self-depreciating humour.
To
build a relationship with others we need to combine humour
with communicating effectively. Even those who are
quiet can still add humour in their unique way. The more
we pay attention to what helps or what hinders rapport,
the more we discover what we can say and do with humour
to create common ground. When we open ourselves
to creating common ground with different people, we stretch
our comfort zone while we learn how to become more trusting
and more connected with each person. And humour becomes
the lubricant helping us put aside our different opinions
and focus on what we can share.
Humour
is a state of mind. When we lose our sense of humour,
we often become critical or defensive. We blame others
or ourselves for the how we feel or for the difficult situation
which we are in. But when we maintain our sense of humour
we look for the good in others and in ourselves, and we
use humour, or effective listening to confirm our commitment
to cooperation and good will.
Have
you ever noticed how successful individuals often use
self-depreciating humour to humble themselves, without
putting themselves down? These individuals understand that
every person has strengths and weaknesses, and that self-depreciating
humour invites others to feel more confident and equal.
Sometimes,
in the midst of the stress of an awkward conversation,
we rediscover our sense of humour. This happens most often
when we get into the habit of seeking common ground, and
adding appropriate humour. Having humour helps us stay
responsive to others and willing to resolve differences.
But what
we offer with humour, especially with playful teasing is
not always well received. When humour does not work it
is best to apologize, clarify your positive purpose and
take time to listen effectively.
Do you already have some things that you say to diffuse
the tension? Words like
“
At times like this my uncle used to say…” can
give each of you some breathing room.
Most
important, do not get sucked in to arguing about their
facts. If you do begin to get defensive, just remember,
if others are not being kind and helpful, then they are
coming from helplessness. They need your help to create
common ground. Help them by listening well or by announcing
your intention to step back to prevent an argument. Remember,
humour is not always the best choice to handle conflict.
Opportunities
to add a touch of humour happen all of the time. In December,
when I visited my friend Tim in the hospital,
I came wearing antlers from the dollar store. When I was
accepted into the graduate program at University of Waterloo
I wrote my acceptance letter as a poem.
In
each situation, my small humorous variation on the everyday
stirred others to smile, or to engage in conversation.
Much of our humour comes from reconnecting to our playful
inner child. For many of us it only takes a playful voice
tone, wearing a funny hat, or holding a stuffed toy to
get started. Life is short. Add a bit more humour, and
do it in the way that is right for you.
